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Choices 3 and 4 would be the most attentive, well-equipped approach to staying with her, vs. In other words, the way in which you select a choice and then follow through on it what is important, and it is where you can make nitty-gritty choices on a day-to-day basis.

The working out of those specifics might be where your attention is going to be productive. Al-Anon is not for everyone in your situation, but those who do find it helpful would probably say that it’s the repeated attendance that makes it work.

It’s something like finding yourself holding a hot panhandle and gripping all the more tightly the more it burns. I also encourage you to respond to other postings with a few words of appreciation, support and ideas. There are many more readers of this dialogue than there are responders – you have an interested group here and we want to know what happens. Try viewing your dilemma as four-pronged: Choice 1 would be that you decide to leave your wife and that you do so in the most careful, strategic manner, doing the most that you can to ensure this unfolds as becoming the right choice.

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